2529

Confession time. 2529. That's how many calories I ate yesterday. Well, yesterday and last night. Last frickin' night. It got to me. I was cruisin' along, had my food all logged into the CRON-o-meter, and then at dinner and about 12:30, I caved. I gave in to the baked ziti I made. I was only allotted one portion, and I had another helping when I woke up at 12:30 and couldn't get back to sleep. I also had two pieces of garlic bread with dinner that were not part of the plan. And two beers. That pushed me to almost 1000 calories over goal. I am just now attempting to sort out what exactly happened. I mean, I went boxing, I logged and wrote everything down, then I just threw it all out the window by scarfing down some stupid baked pasta and cheese dish.

I think maybe I've been feeling a little deprived and I'm annoyed by feeling this way. Why can't I just eat like everyone else? Why? My brain knows the answers to this, but my heart/emotions struggle with feelings sometimes. I am determined to not beat myself up over this, hey at least I got in a killer workout which will offset some of those calories. And making myself feel like a failure over food will just spiral. Like giving me a "f*** it" attitude, and that's not where I want to be, and would be dangerous to my progress. So back on that horse, lady. And quit yer belly-achin'! :)

Lesson learned: I don't think I will be making anymore pasta and cheese dishes. It's too close to pizza, a big trigger food for me. I need to stick to making things that a) I can stay away from if it's not on plan but made for my family or b)healthy and on plan for me. Preferably I can make more things that are for the whole family including me, but I understand that they are not where I am nutritionally, so I don't inflict the whole way of life on them. They are eating healthier, but definitely eat some things I don't/can't. None of them are overweight or unhealthy. And that's how I'd like to keep it.

So on to bigger and better things: Boxing day two, woo hoo!!!! I'm sore today, my legs are really tight. We didn't stretch yesterday after class, and I think I'll do that today when I come home. I'm really looking forward to pushing myself hard. My bff may even be there today. She is uber-ripped. She's a cop in NYC, so being fit is like a way of life for her and she takes it very seriously. She wasn't always a cop, she was a SAHM like me for years, but now her kids are older (she started younger than me) and she's a working stiff. Things have changed a lot for us. I left my older son's father, whom her and her family knew well. Come to find out, they didn't really think it was a great match....shhhhh! We used to meet every day and take the kids out in strollers walking to get fit. We were always struggling with those last few pounds. Then she became a cop and left me in the dust!!! And then the stress from having my little one at 27 weeks and the subsequent 2 months I spent in the hospital, put me up about 30 pounds. The hospital killed me. I was bedridden for 2 months, watching bad television and eating. The only thing to look forward to every day was visits from my family and eating. So I ate. It was the perfect storm of stress and environment. I ended up leaving the hospital heavier than when I gave birth. And that's the fight I'm still fighting today.

So I need to recommit today. I'm going to stay at or just below 1700 today. I will work out. I will drink my water and green tea. I will do it. I refuse to let the weekend bring me down! I want to have a good weekend. Food post to come...once I figure it out.