Crash and Burn, Baby, Burn!!!

To say I have fallen off the proverbial wagon would be the understatement of the century.

I have been eating way too much crap, put on about 15 pounds, and stopped working out. I had my first panic attack in ages last night. It snowballs, see. I start not taking care of myself, my meds get "off" and then I feel worse, and the fact that I'm not taking care of myself physically affects me, and it gets worse and things like panic attacks and depression start. Ugh.

I post on a Medifast board regularly for support. I love those women. They are so supportive and caring. So yesterday I sent out an S.O.S., which was really hard to do. They were there like white on rice, sending hugs and bits of advice and empathy. It's so hard to admit when you are destroying yourself. It's so shaming.
I know something is going on with me. I've been getting emotional at random things, like commercials or certain songs. This usually means my bipolar is acting up. And if I don't act now, it could spiral into mania or a massive depressive episode. I have an appointment with the nurse practitioner who monitors my psych meds, and I'll fill her in. It's really a shame, too. I had been stable for sooooo long, I had been pushing her to decrease some of my meds and possibly try removing some of them. The most opportune time to do so is the spring/summer. Looks like its not happening for me this year. Maybe next year.

40 things

1. Do you like bleu cheese? hell yeah

2. Have you ever smoked? Yes, I smoked until my oldest came home from the NICU

3. Do you own a gun? Yes

4. Favorite type of food? Sushi

5. Favorite type of music? I like hardcore like metal and death metal, but everything really from pop to classical

6. What do you think of hotdogs?
It's a love-hate relationship

7. Favorite Christmas movie?
A Christmas Story
\
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Green tea with a little (very little) sugar

9. Can you do pushups?
Girly-style, yes

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
My ruby and diamond engagement ring

11. Favorite hobby?
Sewing

12. Do you have A.D.D.?
No

13. Do you wear glasses/contacts?
Yes both I'm totally blind without them
14. Middle name?
Rose

15. Name three thoughts at this exact moment?
Man, Jackson's annoying me......I want another whiskey.......oooooh Spongebob's on tv

16. Name three drinks you regularly drink?
Green tea, water, and whiskey

17. Current worry?
Money

18. Current hate right now?
School...it's almost summer!!!!

19. Favorite place to be?
Home

20. How did you bring in the new year?
At home watching the ball drop in Times Square NYC

21. Someplace you'd like to go?
Spain

22. Name three people who will complete this.
No one

23. Do you own slippers?
Yes, but I never wear them, I go barefoot mostly

24. What color shirt are you wearing?
Purple, black and white

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
No, too hot

26. Can you whistle?
Yes

27. Where are you now?
In the dining room

28. Would you be a pirate?
Sure

29. What songs do you sing in the shower?
Currently, Lady GaGa:)

30. Favorite girl's name?
Tallulah

31. Favorite boy's name?
Jack or Sasha

32. What is in your pocket right now?
No pockets

33. Last thing that made you laugh?
My son cracking his head on the wall

34. What vehicle do you drive?
Scion xB

35. Worst injury you've ever had?
Major infection involving 8 surgeries

36. Do you love where you live?
Hate where we live can't wait to move

37. How many TVs do you have in your house?
5

38. How many computers do you have in your house?
one laptop, three pcs

39. If you changed your job, what would it be?
Tattoo artist, if i had the talent

40. If you were granted three wishes, what would they be?
Financial security/wealth, health, and more creativity/artsy fartsiness

Still here

We all got wiped out by strep throat. It sucks.

I am still alive. Just trying to figure out how to eat still. It seems like such a basic function, yet why does it confuse me and tempt me? It should just be a function of living, like sleeping, but it's wrapped in intrigue, temptation, and dogma.
I'm currently doing the CRON-o-meter and counting points on Weight Watchers. I'm not a member, but I was and still have all my literature. So I'm trying to do CRON and WW together. We'll see how that works.
I haven't run for a week and a half due to illness. I'm itching to get back to it. I'll probably run tomorrow.