The Dawn Project, Day One

Intake for the day, I used the CRON-o-meter and I'm at 1248 calories. I have to figure out how to add more calories for a total of 1700, but I haven't gotten there yet. I'm thinking maybe a big bowl of broccoli and some rice?? It seems like a lot of food, but that's what happens when you start eating well again. More bang for your buck.

-Coffee with half and half and little sugar
-Smoothie made with blueberries, banana, hemp protein, and water
-3 c. romaine
-1/4 c reduced fat feta cheese
-2 TB homemade vinaigrette
-1 apple
-Raw gazpacho
-2 large eggs
-Salsa
-1 c pineapple
-1c watermelon
-2 veggie 'chicken' patties
-Hamburger roll
-3 mugs green tea w/ total of 1 TB sugar
-H2o Galore!!!

I'm back, baby! I didn't make boxing yesterday, my son's father was late getting to my son's soccer game, and I didn't have time to make the class. Grrrrr. I was really really ticked off when I got back home, but I ended up discussing it calmly with him and he apologized.

However, today is the day. I'm calling it The Dawn Project. I know, silly name, but I even made an Excel sheet. I was inspired by a new blog I found, called Ag's LIFE & CRON Blog. I've put columns for weight, calories, and exercise. Today I got in Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred, Level One. I really wanted to quit about halfway through, but I didn't. I sucked it up and I feel so much better for it:) My little one was my workout buddy. He would watch me, watch the video, then do the exercises. His squats were soooo cute! He even did 'crunchies' with me! I'm proud to set a good example for him that will hopefully stick with him for life.

So to anyone out there who's struggling, come on and join me. I've been slacking for far too long and it's over, rover! I'm over it, how about you???

Boxing

Yep. I'm hitting the boxing gym today. I'm ascared! The workouts there are very brutal, and I'm out of shape and overweight. BUT. I really miss it, and my school/mommy schedule kept me away. Now I'm hoping to get ripped over the summer, when my schedule will once again resume. And by then, I'll be so in shape and addicted to it, that I'll find a way to make it work!

My older son has a soccer game this morning, then he's going with his dad to see Ironman 2. He's very excited. He loves any superhero, and has had a soft spot for Spiderman since he was about 1 1/2 years old.

Food continues to be a struggle. I am thinking that exercising will give me those feel-good brainwaves and make me feel a little more motivated to take better care of this bod. I've been eating meat. I've neglected my blender and juicer. And veggie/fruit consumption is way low. That can and will change. I know it. I just have to get off my now-bigger butt and do it. That's the only way. Through me and only me.

On the CSA front, we heard that the first pick-up will be the last week of May! Yippee! I'm so excited. At least I know that my produce intake will go up then. We have to use everything, and I like coming up with ways to use what they give us. Some hits, some misses, but always a flavor adventure! Gee, I sound like a commercial for CSAs, but if you have a chance to join one near you, I heartily cheer you on!

Stay tuned for the next post, in which I describe in great detail every ache and pain in every body part that got tortured boxing:) It won't be pretty.

Feeling Better:)

Well, I've started a new med, and I have to say, I'm feeling less anxiety/panic attacks so far. I have to titrate, or gradually build up the levels in my blood. I'm up to two little pills a day tomorrow. The only downside so far is occasional dizzyness, which I'm thinking should go away SOON (please!).

I started to work out again today. Fresh start. I was soooo not excited to do this, so I figured I'd jump on the treadmill and go as far as I felt necessary. I did 20 minutes. Certainly not my best effort of all time, but it's a start, and that's what I need right now. I'm hoping once I get going, it'll all snowball in a good direction, unlike the last few weeks snowball in the bad/scary direction.

Mother's Day was awesome! I love Mother's Day better than my birthday, but not as much as Christmas. I love the little handmade cards and art, and that they get so excited to appreciate me for just one day. It's too cute, and I'll miss it when they get bigger. I guess not miss it, it will just be different.

Well, that's my update. I'm grateful for every positive thought sent my way during this extremely difficult time, and I am slowly on my way back.

Crash and Burn, Baby, Burn!!!

To say I have fallen off the proverbial wagon would be the understatement of the century.

I have been eating way too much crap, put on about 15 pounds, and stopped working out. I had my first panic attack in ages last night. It snowballs, see. I start not taking care of myself, my meds get "off" and then I feel worse, and the fact that I'm not taking care of myself physically affects me, and it gets worse and things like panic attacks and depression start. Ugh.

I post on a Medifast board regularly for support. I love those women. They are so supportive and caring. So yesterday I sent out an S.O.S., which was really hard to do. They were there like white on rice, sending hugs and bits of advice and empathy. It's so hard to admit when you are destroying yourself. It's so shaming.
I know something is going on with me. I've been getting emotional at random things, like commercials or certain songs. This usually means my bipolar is acting up. And if I don't act now, it could spiral into mania or a massive depressive episode. I have an appointment with the nurse practitioner who monitors my psych meds, and I'll fill her in. It's really a shame, too. I had been stable for sooooo long, I had been pushing her to decrease some of my meds and possibly try removing some of them. The most opportune time to do so is the spring/summer. Looks like its not happening for me this year. Maybe next year.

40 things

1. Do you like bleu cheese? hell yeah

2. Have you ever smoked? Yes, I smoked until my oldest came home from the NICU

3. Do you own a gun? Yes

4. Favorite type of food? Sushi

5. Favorite type of music? I like hardcore like metal and death metal, but everything really from pop to classical

6. What do you think of hotdogs?
It's a love-hate relationship

7. Favorite Christmas movie?
A Christmas Story
\
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Green tea with a little (very little) sugar

9. Can you do pushups?
Girly-style, yes

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
My ruby and diamond engagement ring

11. Favorite hobby?
Sewing

12. Do you have A.D.D.?
No

13. Do you wear glasses/contacts?
Yes both I'm totally blind without them
14. Middle name?
Rose

15. Name three thoughts at this exact moment?
Man, Jackson's annoying me......I want another whiskey.......oooooh Spongebob's on tv

16. Name three drinks you regularly drink?
Green tea, water, and whiskey

17. Current worry?
Money

18. Current hate right now?
School...it's almost summer!!!!

19. Favorite place to be?
Home

20. How did you bring in the new year?
At home watching the ball drop in Times Square NYC

21. Someplace you'd like to go?
Spain

22. Name three people who will complete this.
No one

23. Do you own slippers?
Yes, but I never wear them, I go barefoot mostly

24. What color shirt are you wearing?
Purple, black and white

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
No, too hot

26. Can you whistle?
Yes

27. Where are you now?
In the dining room

28. Would you be a pirate?
Sure

29. What songs do you sing in the shower?
Currently, Lady GaGa:)

30. Favorite girl's name?
Tallulah

31. Favorite boy's name?
Jack or Sasha

32. What is in your pocket right now?
No pockets

33. Last thing that made you laugh?
My son cracking his head on the wall

34. What vehicle do you drive?
Scion xB

35. Worst injury you've ever had?
Major infection involving 8 surgeries

36. Do you love where you live?
Hate where we live can't wait to move

37. How many TVs do you have in your house?
5

38. How many computers do you have in your house?
one laptop, three pcs

39. If you changed your job, what would it be?
Tattoo artist, if i had the talent

40. If you were granted three wishes, what would they be?
Financial security/wealth, health, and more creativity/artsy fartsiness

Still here

We all got wiped out by strep throat. It sucks.

I am still alive. Just trying to figure out how to eat still. It seems like such a basic function, yet why does it confuse me and tempt me? It should just be a function of living, like sleeping, but it's wrapped in intrigue, temptation, and dogma.
I'm currently doing the CRON-o-meter and counting points on Weight Watchers. I'm not a member, but I was and still have all my literature. So I'm trying to do CRON and WW together. We'll see how that works.
I haven't run for a week and a half due to illness. I'm itching to get back to it. I'll probably run tomorrow.

Getting better....

I am not eating as much at night now. I say not as much because like all of you, I am not perfect and it has been challenging to say the least. But I'm still fighting the good fight (or is it fighting the food fight?).

Today's food includes a raw fruit smoothie, a green smoothie, a bean and kale soup, and some raw gazpacho. And maybe a salad.

I've not lost any weight recently. The running is getting good. I'm up to 28 whole entire minutes of running without stopping (hopefully!). I'm thinking something's gotta give soon. I can't keep eating well and running and not lose something....sheesh. I'm also taking all my supplements. 5 HTP, 7 keto DHEA, vitamin D, fish oils, and a multivitamin. So far, I'm not noticing a huge difference. A lighter mood, maybe. Not so moody at all.

In between homework, I'm also sewing again. The current project is a Hotpatterns jacket, my first attempt at any kind of jacket. It's a supposedly simple one, unlined, easier collar and such. I'm stuck on the collar right now, so I have to consult my Singer Sewing book to see some visuals. Otherwise I'm gonna have to email Trudy at Hotpatterns for a sewing S.O.S:) I'll post pics when it's done.

Oh, and I saw Precious Saturday night. I thought it was great, even though it was quite depressing. She was a great character though. Nothing beat her down, even though life certainly tried. Mark (the fiance) even liked it, and he's a tough critic.